The anniversary was a hard one. There is no doubt about that at all.
As expected it started a few days before and all that kept creeping into my head were the difficult events that led up to those final breaths all the way to the time I had to tell the kids. If I’m honest reliving those memories were torturous but the thing that hurt the most was how it made me feel those old grief emotions again which I didn’t like at all. Almost like I was pushed back 10 months to the early raw feelings of loss and grief and that hurt like hell. That in itself made me realise how honestly glad I am that I am not in that place any more. That crushing loneliness, grief and pure unimaginable sadness… I wonder how on earth I got through it.
Helen passed away the early hours of the morning and I just didn’t feel like it was right for me to go to sleep until that time passed. So to pass the time I stupidly drank all night and sat at my computer reading through the old Facebook posts from before and after. The alcohol intensified my emotions and reading all those words took me deeper into my own world of sadness. While I was waiting for the exact moment to pass one year on I clearly remembered and visualised myself standing next to Helen in the hospital bed waiting for the inevitable to happen. I just let myself feel what I was feeling because I really had no choice. In some strange way it was comforting to have these thoughts pushed onto me because sometimes I feel I am so busy with my new life that I forget how I got to where I am now.
At nearly midnight my daughter woke up crying uncontrollably. This doesn’t happen very often at all; maybe 3 or 4 times since Helen passed but this time was especially different. Olivia was pleading with me that she wanted mummy and reaching out her hand to an empty space in the bedroom. It floored me and I held her as tight as I possibly could and sobbed with her. All I could think was that not only has an innocent woman lost her life but my innocent children are without their mum forever……
Forever is a long time and I can’t do anything at all to change that. Excuse my language but that Fucking cruel isn’t it!!
After I settled her I had time to reflect on what had happened and I actually took some comfort in it which I know must sounds strange. It was just the way she was holding out her hand like she could see something I couldn’t. I don’t really know what to believe when it comes to the things that may or may not happen after death but I am sure if Helen could have been there that night she would have been. I asked my daughter the next morning if she remembered anything from that night and she couldn’t. To this day she has never mentioned it so maybe it was a dream, a nightmare or something I can’t explain.
One thing to note though is when I read through Helen’s old Facebook posts it really did show a true reflection of how amazing and strong she was. How she dealt with all that was happening to her.. Just amazing.
The day after the anniversary I was miraculously back to my usual self. Me and the kids woke up happy and we got on with our lives.
Life is for living and being happy.. That’s all I focus on.. I will die one day so I may as well be happy until then.