The reality and grief of the situation was never far away and kept on hitting me. There I was busy going about my daily work whether that be doing the washing, my job or simply walking out to the kitchen to get a cuppa and BANG….. The reality of what had happened would hit me. Not just a simple reminder oh no….. I would literally feel what felt like a stomach punch blow to my stomach that would then resonate through my whole body and leave me in the depths of grief, sadness and anger. Just a split second for the initial blow stopped me in my tracks but those feelings continued for a while. It felt like my whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t do anything about it.
It’s think it’s your body just letting you know that there is still a problem that needs to be dealt with. Like a timer to say ” Hey there.. You need to think about this for a bit “. Ultimately I guess to help you rather than torture you. But all the same it was awful.. Initially I had them daily but they became less frequent. Now though I still get them but the initial blow is much like a gentle reminder and the feelings afterwards are more soft.
Thinking back through at how my grief has moved on up until now I actually think is an amazing process. Sounds a crazy thing to say I know and certainly a process I would choose not to have to endure but it seems to me like a persons body and mind have already been trained to manage this type of thing through the years of evolution or by God depending on what you believe. Through the years of time since we started our lives on this planet humans I am sure had lost many more people in their lives through illness, famine and war etc. Not to mention the fact that people just didn’t survive as long as they do now. So maybe through those years our ancestors have learnt a coping mechanism which survives in us all today.
I truly believe that we as humans are very resilient. If you were to have said to me on my wedding day what I personally would have had to go through during the following 6 years I would’ve probably shook my little bald pin head and said.. ” hell no, I can’t deal with all that “. But look at me now. I think I did pretty well through it all and still got a smile on my chops. True I have lost my amazing wife through that process but I can still smile and look back knowing I did my best.