The life of a young widowed father with the will to help others with advice and positivity.

Living Life

 

Living Life

This is my first attempt in potentially helping someone using my own experiences and thoughts. I don’t pretend to be an expert on anything at all nor am I a trained councillor. Maybe one person will read this and think I am nuts, another may read it and take the advice on-board which in turn will help them. Who knows.. maybe time will tell.

Life has to continue….

Helen and I were together for 7 years and half of that time we lived with a huge black cancer cloud above our heads. But… we had a great life together. This may sound mad but our lives were filled with fun and laughter all the way through our journey and all the way to the end.

The main reason for this is quite simply…. why the hell not?

We figured that we had enough sadness in our lives with the Cancer itself which in some respects was out of our control so why let it control the things we could control? We didn’t…. Life is quite simply for living so why live it with worry and sadness? You may as well live it with a smile on your face and laughter.

Now I appreciate there are some people in this world who have/had it harder then we ever did so I guess it may not be so easy to master this way of life. Life is so very hard sometimes and boy do I know it but I do think people themselves can make situations even worse if they allow it. Helen and I could’ve easily let the Breast Cancer cloud rule our lives and bring us into sadness and turmoil. The truth is it didn’t. Obviously we had some very sad and tough moments but I can honestly say that pretty quickly afterwards there would have been a smile and a laugh. We worked hard to find the positives in the situations and held on to that. We realised that life in itself is a blessing so we grasped at what bit of life we could and lived it.

So with this in mind it was important for me to fight hard with my own feelings and emotions to continue this way of life for my own sake and for my children. I realise even though my wife has lost her life which is so terribly sad that the children and I are entitled to continue our lives with laughter and happiness. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that Helen was unlucky to get Cancer plus I know we done all we could to keep her with us. Helen herself fought hard to remain alive and happy and I know she would never want us to let any sadness continue as we all move forward. She wanted us to be happy and not let the sadness of the Cancer and our circumstance continue in our lives.

So what’s the lesson here for me? No matter what has happened to me and my family our lives are still continuing so why live them with sadness? Never forget but move forward with a smile on your face and enjoy it!

enjoy-life-live-it

Dedicated to Helen

Helen Adams

 

My first blog post can only be one thing. A dedication to the amazing, beautiful, strong, caring, loving and heroic woman Helen Adams.

And for sure Helen was exactly all those things. I have no doubt that if you spoke to the many people who knew her they would say the same thing. I know I personally was very lucky to have met Helen and to of had her love and would truly live those exact 7 years all over again if I could no matter how hard it was for us.

Although Helen had a relatively short life she achieved many things that some people will never have achieved no matter how long they live. The main thing being that She (and I) found true love. We both met that someone who would do anything for each other, be there whatever happened, a best friend and a soul mate. Also she was lucky enough to get married and have that perfect day most girls dream of. She was able to give birth to healthy, beautiful, perfect human beings and see them start their lives and watch as their personalities grew. She had a loving family around her who loved her so so much. She had a nice house to live in. She had good friends and some great memories of her childhood and past.

Helen was 34 when she passed away which is terribly young but when you look at all the things she achieved she was also very lucky to have had what she did. It’s still not fair and so very cruel because even though she had done all those things she will now miss out on her children growing up, more happy times with me, family holidays, first boyfriends/girlfriends, shopping with her daughter, watching her son play football… the list is endless.

The caring Helen: In her late teens Helen moved to London to train to be a nurse. The perfect job for such a caring loving woman however she was in love with the caring side of the job and found it hard when she couldn’t spend more time with the patients due to work load. That frustrated her so she ended up leaving. However all she really ever wanted was to be a mummy and what a mummy she was. She was born to be a mum and taught me so much along the way.  When she was well or had the energy nothing was too much for her and would do anything for the kids.

Helen was one of the most caring compassionate people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Even through her dark days she would always reach out to others when they needed it. She befriended two other woman who I knew and were going through their own cancer battles and just gave her time to them. She had never met them but no matter how bad her own situation was she would offer advice and positive words to help them through.

The strong Helen: Through Helen’s treatment she never showed many people how she was really feeling. People never knew how bad it was because Helen had this amazing strength to try and be normal when people were around. I saw it so many times. A morning of helping her get ready when she was in pain or tired and when friends came around somehow all that was gone and she was Helen again.

Probably other than me only her mum Chris had that insight of how bad things were. Helen and I spent many long evenings/nights ( sometimes all night long) talking about life, her illness, what she had achieved/experienced what she wanted to achieved/experience. The paragraph above about her achievements was one I recited to her so very often. She had achieved so much and I know she was grateful for that.

For someone having to face what she was going through she was just remarkable. She was in immense pain physically and mentally but there were truly only a handful of times where Helen was scared, worried, helpless and desperate because of her situation. Those were the times where I would talk to her about life and death and what it all actually meat. After all… We all have to die at some point so why be afraid. Easy to say I know but I tried to get her to embrace it rather than fear it.

I generally had the job of receiving the results or diagnoses following scans etc and in most of the occasions when I was telling Helen she just laughed or smiled at what I was telling her. Most people I suppose would freak out or go crazy if their husband or wife was telling them that their Cancer had spread to bones, liver, brain and lungs. I remember it to this day… Helen just sat on the floor of the bedroom while drying her hair and just gave out a little laugh as I reeled off that diagnosis.  I don’t know if it was disbelief or her pure strength but she kept strong  and was straight away asking what the options were and what she needed to do to sort it. Just so courageous.

So unfortunately for Helen she somehow got very unlucky with a diagnosis that was never in her favour. I watched that disease slowly take bits of her away and finally nothing was left but the memories. Unfortunately for her she will now miss out on so much of what life has to offer us all. Something more painful for Helen and I is that the kids will never ever have a proper mummy. That simple yet most important word “mummy” will forever mean something so different to them. I don’t think I will ever be able to accept that. Olivia and Marley to me are the most amazing children and never deserved to have this inflicted on them. However I know the sheer fact that they are so special will give them the strength to somehow over come that loss and become stronger people themselves.

Life isn’t fair, I have accepted that one.

Helen will forever hold a very special place in my heart and in my memories. I will never forget and my love for her will go on until I one day pass away. Unless of course she is waiting for me in the next life if indeed there is one.