“I’m so sorry Helen”
These are the words I have said to Helen many times since she passed away.
Sorry for laughing and having fun with the kids, Sorry for having a nice meal, Sorry for going for a walk, Sorry for being happy, Sorry when the weather in nice, Sorry that I saw our daughter ride her bike for the first time, Sorry for watching the kids as they jump in the swimming pool having fun…. Sorry for just being alive.
Even though she can’t hear me I feel the need to say it and if she can hear me then I know she’ll be laughing at me because I am talking to myself.
I guess it’s a similar feeling to guilt. I just feel so sorry for Helen that she is missing out on everything we are doing as a family and I am still able to live it. Even a simple thing like the quiet time before bed reading the kids a story. She’s not there.
It’s been even more difficult recently because it’s the summer holidays so we’ve been away on holiday, days to the beach, lazy mornings in bed watching TV, picnics etc. I constantly wish she was with us to enjoy our kids together, watching the smiles on their faces and hearing them laughing together. The hardest thing is that I know we will never have that.. She will never see what’s in store for the future.
I do know though that Helen would be so happy to see us all doing the things we would’ve done anyway but it hurts to know how sad she would be that she is not there with us. Also I can’t ever see this feeling going away either. I know it will get easier because it already has done but I think there will always be a part of me that will be wishing she was with us. Maybe the feeling will become less prominent for the day to day stuff we do but become more painful for the more exciting happy things we do.
All I know is that I am forever sorry for her loss. My loss will get easier, Helen’s loss is forever.