The life of a young widowed father with the will to help others with advice and positivity.

I’m so Sorry

 

“I’m so sorry Helen”

These are the words I have said to Helen many times since she passed away.

Sorry for laughing and having fun with the kids, Sorry for having a nice meal, Sorry for going for a walk, Sorry for being happy, Sorry when the weather in nice, Sorry that I saw our daughter ride her bike for the first time, Sorry for watching the kids as they jump in the swimming pool having fun…. Sorry for just being alive.

Even though she can’t hear me I feel the need to say it and if she can hear me then I know she’ll be laughing at me because I am talking to myself.

I guess it’s a similar feeling to guilt. I just feel so sorry for Helen that she is missing out on everything we are doing as a family and I am still able to live it. Even a simple thing like the quiet time before bed reading the kids a story. She’s not there.

Sorry, Grief

 

It’s been even more difficult recently because it’s the summer holidays so we’ve been away on holiday, days to the beach, lazy mornings in bed watching TV, picnics etc. I constantly wish she was with us to enjoy our kids together, watching the smiles on their faces and hearing them laughing together. The hardest thing is that I know we will never have that.. She will never see what’s in store for the future.

I do know though that Helen would be so happy to see us all doing the things we would’ve done anyway but it hurts to know how sad she would be that she is not there with us. Also I can’t ever see this feeling going away either. I know it will get easier because it already has done but I think there will always be a part of me that will be wishing she was with us. Maybe the feeling will become less prominent for the day to day stuff we do but become more painful for the more exciting happy things we do.

All I know is that I am forever sorry for her loss. My loss will get easier, Helen’s loss is forever.

 

8 comments on “I’m so Sorry

  1. Eric says:

    Hi,

    I lost my wife Isabelle, on June 4th this year, after a four year battle of cancer. She was only 50 yrs old, leaving me and our 4 yr old daughter. It still surprised me that she passed away suddenly. As matter of fact, I was planning our summer with road trips, close to home, for the three of us – like at the beach or picnics.

    Since her passing, I dreaded the summer. As matter of fact I just wish the summer is over. Too many memories of summer past, when we did so many things together as a family. But this summer, with her death so fresh, it was just hard to do anything.

    But I did, for my daughter. She needed it and I too, so we can move on. It was not easy for me, but I managed to do things this summer. Thankful with the help and support of family and friends. And I know Isabelle would want me to do it for our daughter.

    It really sucks when when loose a love one in our life. But life continues and we do it for our kids, ourselves and the memories of our wives.

    eric

    P.S. Your wife can hear you and see you. Have trust in God allowing her to see you and your family. And pray for the repose of her soul. I know that my daughter and I pray for Isabelle everyday and it really helps me to put my mind in peace. I am still upset with God, taking my Isabelle from us. But Isabelle said it is God’s will and nothing we can do about it. Again it sucks, but what can we do about it. And that is why I pray for Isabelle soul that she is close to God and she is praying and watching out for us, especially for our daughter. I know she can see and hear us.

  2. LESLEY SHANNON says:

    I share your pain and your grief and thank you for being brave enough to share this with everyone and know that you are helping others. I lost my daughter to bowel cancer age 31 and hope in time I too can write a blog about my feelings. It feels as if you can’t go on living without the ones we love who have passed away and wonder why was my daughter taken instead of me. If only we could swap places. Thanks for sharing love and hugs to you and your lovely wee family Lesley x

    • Michael Adams says:

      Lesley, thanks for your comment and so sorry for your loss. Cancer is just awful and it doesn’t care who it affects. All I know for me is that we never decided for my wife to get cancer. We couldn’t change what happened and we all deserve a happy life. We have to keep going.

      All the best x

  3. Audrey Campbell says:

    Michael, these blogs are so touching. I lost my husband in November and feel guilty quite a bit.
    This is not my first experience of grief of this level. I lost my son, also called Michael, 12 years ago. He was
    10 years old. The grief I’m trying to cope with just now has opened up all my old wounds. I’m fed up being told I’m strong! I battle every day to keep going. My young son (17 yrs) battles with me. I find great comfort reading blogs like yours. I know I’m not alone in this journey. Keep going Michael. Take care x

    • Michael Adams says:

      Hi There. Firstly I am so sorry for your losses. That’s just awful. I believe that people think we are strong because they don’t see all the very low times we have. Those times for me are in the evening when I am alone. I am sure people expect this will happen but as they don’t see it they just see the times when we have our happy faces on.

      So happy you are getting some comfort from my blogs. It’s just the reason why I am doing it.

      Take care
      Mike x

  4. jjtheman says:

    Michael, these blogs are so touching. I lost my husband in November and feel guilty quite a bit.
    This is not my first experience of grief of this level. I lost my son, also called Michael, 12 years ago. He was
    10 years old. The grief I’m trying to cope with just now has opened up all my old wounds. I’m fed up being told I’m strong! I battle every day to keep going. My young son (17 yrs) battles with me. I find great comfort reading blogs like yours. I know I’m not alone in this journey. Keep going Michael. Take care x

    • Michael Adams says:

      Hi There. So glad this is helping somehow especially through this difficult time. I am sure you know but guilt is a very common emotion in our world. I often feel it myself and to be honest there is not much I can do about it because I wish Helen was here with us but that will never happen. I guess I just try to remember the good times we had and also that Helen would be so happy to see us all living our lives and having fun.

      Not always that easy though hey.

      take care and hope I can somehow continue to help you xx

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