The life of a young widowed father with the will to help others with advice and positivity.

A Widows Grief

 

How does a Widows grief compare to say the grief of losing a parent for instance?

Well of course all people deal with grief differently and certainly also depends on who that person is in relation to you. But for me I can see the difference in the grief I felt for my father and the grief I feel for my wife. But also maybe this depends on circumstance at the time!!

I was 29 when my father passed away, I had not long met Helen, we were living together, having fun and our wedding was 6 weeks away. My life was with Helen. Sure I went to work, saw my friends but I would always come home to Helen and leave her in the morning. Weekends we spent together shopping, walking, eating and just generally having fun with each other. I always knew my parents were either at the family home or not far away. I knew I could pick up the phone and they would answer and I knew I could pop over and feel like a little boy again with my mum feeding me anything I wanted.

So when my father passed away my life continued as it was. Obviously I was devastated and sad at the loss of someone so special and significant in my life. But, if you strip it all back my father had done his job and brought me up to become my own man and I was then living my own life. What I lost was my dad at the end of the phone or sat in his chair at the family home. I lost my Dad to talk too about stuff and to tell him what I had done or what I was going to do. I lost him seeing all the things I was going to achieve in the future but day to day nothing changed. I was able to get away from that grief because he wasn’t always in my life ever single day.

A widows widowers Grief

 

Why I think the grief differs slightly due to circumstance is that Helen was always in my life. Like before we got married we lived together and spent pretty much every waking moment together unless I was at work. We spent the evenings together and the weekends. We lived as one with our children, she was my best friend.

So the grief has to be different because I lost the person who was the other half of me, the other half of my everyday life and future. I can’t get away from it no matter what I do. In our bathroom in the morning cleaning my teeth she will pop into my mind because Helen use to stand there doing the same. Walking into the lounge she will pop into my head because she was sometimes sat in that room. I miss the texts I would receive when at work, miss the evenings together and the weekends. Miss her being there when the kids make me laugh or doing something amazing.

I believe the grief of a widow or widower has to be harder for these reasons. Day to day life is affected so dramatically and there is no change of running away from it.

 

 

6 comments on “A Widows Grief

  1. robbie says:

    I sadly lost my husband Ian on fri 2snd 2 cancer and my world has stopped. We had so much we wanted 2 do. And like you say they are so much part of you. I wrote some cards 2 day and put his name on without thinking. Just feel he is on holiday or in hospital. How am I going to cope without him? Every day for 43yrs he has been by my side. I miss him more than I can ever say x

    • Michael Adams says:

      So Sorry to hear that. I believe we as humans are very resilient and for you I am sure you will find your way of coping. It’s very early days so don’t try and answer questions such as these. I find focusing on the good times is a great way to get through. Be thankful for what you have had not about what you have lost. 43 years is along time to have someone and then lost but it’s also a long time to have had with that person which you can be thankful for.

      I am thankful for the 7 years I had with my wife. 7 of the most amazing years even though half of that was with the cancer cloud above our heads. I wish we had more time but even if we had 43 years like you did I would want more and that wouldn’t be enough. So I focus in the quality.

      Like I said it’s early days so don’t put pressure on yourself. Give yourself time and surround yourself with people that love you. This will help you though.

      All the best xx

  2. I’m so sorry, I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be. I’m wondering if you’ve met Ben from Life as a Widower, who also writes beautifully about life after his wife died. I’m sure you must have, but if not, do tweet me and I’ll happily put you in contact x

    • Michael Adams says:

      Hi There,

      Yes we have been in contact a few times as well as a few other widowers who do similar work. We are all in regular contact if we need it. It’s great to have these other similar chaps to bounce stuff off.

      Many thanks for your comment
      Mike x

  3. Vicky says:

    I too lost my husband to cancer in 2008. He was 50, I was 49 and our youngest child was 17. I can empathise with all of the above, some days I just didn’t know how I could possibly live a full life without him in it. It felt that part of me had gone with him and left me feeling somewhat disabled. I kept expecting him to walk back through the door so that I could tell him how awful it had been without him – of course he never did.
    It may be a cliche but time is a great healer and 5 years down the line, I have been lucky enough to find love again and have remarried. I will never forget my 30 years with Steve and will always love him and hold a special place in my heart for him. I know he would have wanted our lives to go on and go from strength to strength. I feel that we owe it to him to get the most out of our lives as his was cut so short.
    As our grandchildren are being born (2 to date) My faith and joy in life are renewed and a piece of him still lives on in them.
    I think that it’s important not to rush yourself through the grieving process, some days will be much better than others and support from others is invaluable. I hope this helps. x

    • Michael Adams says:

      Hi Vicky,

      Thanks so much for your comment and yes I agree the process takes time and some days are better than others. Nice to see there is life after all this.

      thanks Mike

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