Just a couple of simple rules of how I live my and why.
Rule 1 = Just be Happy
During the last few weeks of my wife’s life we had many very deep conversations. But there has always been something she said to me that stood out above all the rest. And that was when she said plain and simply that she wanted me to be happy. Such a simple thing to say but she said it in way that she really did mean it and on reflection that’s what any of us wish for isn’t it? When I put myself in Helen’s shoes which I often do this is exactly what I would want for Helen, my kids, my family and friends. I honestly can’t think of any other way to be apart from Just be happy.
Rule 2 = Live the best life I can live
I live with another simple rule to get me through. My wife fought hard to stay with us and to remain happy but sadly she lost her life. I know very well how annoyed she would be if the illness that took her life away continued to affect the lives of her loved ones. So the rule is simply to live the best life I can for me and my kids. My wife deserves it.
This is how I live my life now. I do it if it makes me and my kids happy.
Son’s First day at school
For a long time I have been very much looking forward to my son starting school. This is mainly because I know he is ready and it will make my life much easier for the school run and pick up etc.
However the night before the big day ended like I never imagined. I was busy getting all the school stuff ready for the kids and I really started to feel the emotion of loss and sadness that my wife wouldn’t be there with us. I was kind of expecting this anyway but this time it was over whelming.
Then at bed time I walked into my daughters room and she was looking through her memory box and asked if I could read some of the stuff that mummy had written. I have no idea why she chose that night to look through it as it’s not something she often does. There are two note books; one that Helen wrote when Olivia was first born and includes messages to Olivia when Helen got ill initially. The second was a few short notes that Helen wrote a few weeks before she passed away… I started reading them to her and I simply couldn’t get through it at all without crying and feeling immense sadness. I had to put it away as the emotion was just so heavy for me to handle.
The next thing my Son started to cry telling me that he doesn’t remember mummy at all and he wished mummy could be there with me to take him to school. This was heart breaking for me, my poor son doesn’t remember his mum and can’t have her there to give him a reassuring kiss when he starts his first day at school. Both of these things broke my heart just that little bit more.
The next morning though it was like none of that happened. My son woke up, got washed and into his uniform in lightening speed then said he didn’t want breakfast so he could get to school quicker. He was so excited to have his uniform on, school shoes on and the fact he was starting school with his friends. In the end it was a total success and Marley came out of school as happy as ever. Olivia also had a great day in her new class and said her teachers were really nice.
It seems crazy how the emotions can swing in such waves of extreme. For the kids I am sure its just another happy day. For me though it’s a slight kick in the stomach that will take a while for me to get over.
The great things though is that although of course I am still very sad about my loss and my children’s loss we are actually living a very happy and positive life and moving forward in the right direction. It’s also a reminder that day to day life is fine now; it’s just those special occasions where the emotions hit hard
It’s a cruel world but I am a very proud father.