It’s been about 2 month since I have written a Blog Post which even surprised me when I figured it out. I never intended to suddenly stop but I think for me it was just the right time when I no longer needed to write out my feelings to help me understand them. My head is now clear about what has happened and where I now am in life. It’s a good feeling to have although make no mistake I still get that shot in the stomach when my mind wonders back to events and Helen. I have also been very busy with work and life so once work is complete and I have done all the stuff a single parent would do I just want to sit and relax.
I have also just worked out that I’ve lived about 16 months without Helen and it just doesn’t seem possible that this amount of time could pass without Helen living it. As I mentioned my mind is clear now and there are a few things I know for sure without any doubt.
- I will never understand or really comprehend what has happened to me, to Helen and why.
- I still miss her and I know I always will. She was my best friend.
- I still feel the same love for her that I always did and again I know now that this will not change.
- Although I will never forget her I know I can build a new life for myself and I deserve a happy life.
- The pain I feel when I think about my kids never having their real mum again will always hurt more than I can ever describe.
- The pain I feel when I think about Helen missing out on our happy family will also always hurt more than I can ever describe.
Some of the above points are nice thoughts… Helen will always have a place in my heart. On the flip side some of these are just obvious life sentences and I don’t say that lightly. For instance when the kids make me laugh there is always a part of my that is in pain as I wish Helen was there to laugh with us and it gets me pretty much every time.
Like I said, I can build a new life for myself but you only get one Mum and I can’t bring that back for my kids. That is a hard thing to have to deal with but as I continually say to the kids there just isn’t anything I can do about it otherwise I would have already done it.
I’m a different person now and I like the person I have become. I don’t really take any messing around any more and life is too short so I don’t take things seriously at all. At the bottom of it all though is that I feel so bloody lucky to be alive and to breath air; so lucky to have my kids who are healthy. It’s difficult to comprehend even to myself when I say I am lucky because I watched my wife being taken from me but I honestly do feel very fortunate to have what I have.
I can watch my kids run to school ahead of me and smile as they both laugh and giggle. . I am lucky..
I can take them to new places and help them understand this crazy world.. I am lucky..
I can watch them grow and become their own people.. I am Lucky..
I am able to raise my own two amazing children.. I am Lucky..
But again… It’s always tainted with that wish to have my wife next it me holding hands so we can smile together and watch all this together
We are very happy just the 3 of us. Never a day goes by without a laugh and a joke. They love me and I love them. After what we have had to deal with over the last 4 years I can’t ask for more than that. I know 100% Helen would be so proud of the kids and who they are becoming as well as being proud of me to continue raising them in the ways we wanted.
Helen still lives on within her children and I am reminded of that regularly. Those looks, that cheekiness, the slight craziness, the obsessions, the worry, the caring and the love. All of what Helen was is within our two children so I never feel far away from her. I can’t thank her enough for giving me two perfect kids but as always I wish she was here by my side.