The life of a young widowed father with the will to help others with advice and positivity.

Archive for: March 2014

Mummy has died and she will never be coming back

 

Mummy has died and she will never be coming back.

These words seem to slip off the tongue so easily these days and the meaning of what I am actually saying doesn’t seem to register in my head.

The Kids and I obviously often talk about mummy and thankfully it’s mostly in a happy and positive way. There are times though when they are missing her or want her. During these times one of the kids will often ask me if mummy is coming back or when she is coming back. I know they know she won’t but it’s like they keep testing the water just in case I say something different.

I knew early on that I had to be honest with them about what had happened and I was sure with myself that I would never deviate from the facts.

Mummy is dead and she will never be coming back.

It’s the harsh truth and If I ever gave them any hope of anything different I knew it would knock them off their tracks and bringing them back on track would be difficult. So since that awful day I have had to constantly re-iterate the facts to my children. Initially it was daily and now it’s only now and then but like I said; I say those words as if I am a broken record and as if the meaning of what I am saying is not important.

Mummy is dead and she will never be coming back. A short and simple sentence but with an enormous meaning for my two kids.

When I realised just how nonchalant I was when saying these words I really had to think about why that was the case. I spent some time saying it out loud just to make myself hear it. I mean really properly hear it; understanding each word and the meaning behind the sentence. To be honest I quite prefer the broken record option rather than the realisation of it. Most of the time I won’t even realise the meaning of what I am saying and that’s fine with me. The kids will understand what I am saying and that’s the main thing. I know the reality of it all and I don’t need to be reminded of it so I will continue to say it as I do..

I think sometimes it’s OK to be like this. It sounds harsh but life is not always easy and certainly the events that have occurred in my life have been harsh. I also realise that I don’t need to immerse myself in it all the time. Saying these words like they mean nothing I think is OK as long as I don’t lose sight of their real meaning. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I will continue to stick to the facts so the kids continue moving forward in the right direction.

So I maintain the points I mentioned in a previous Blog Post

  • Mummy is never coming back
  • We cannot get her back
  • Mummy wanted us to live our lives and be happy
  • It’s very sad mummy has died but we all deserve to live our lives and be happy

These point have given my kids the clear facts but also something positive for them to think about. Of course it’s sad what has happened but it’s true that no matter what happens all Helen and I wanted for our kids is happiness and there is nothing stopping them having that. Anyone who know them will never know what they have been through because they are two of the happiest little kids I have ever met. It’s a rare occasion to not see a smile on their faces.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that you can be honest with children. Sometimes brutally honest and still enable them to have a happy childhood. It’s not easy at all but it’s what they deserve.

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The Anniversary

 

The anniversary was a hard one. There is no doubt about that at all.

As expected it started a few days before and all that kept creeping into my head were the difficult events that led up to those final breaths all the way to the time I had to tell the kids. If I’m honest reliving those memories were torturous but the thing that hurt the most was how it made me feel those old grief emotions again which I didn’t like at all. Almost like I was pushed back 10 months to the early raw feelings of loss and grief and that hurt like hell. That in itself made me realise how honestly glad I am that I am not in that place any more. That crushing loneliness, grief and pure unimaginable sadness… I wonder how on earth I got through it.

Helen passed away the early hours of the morning and I just didn’t feel like it was right for me to go to sleep until that time passed. So to pass the time I stupidly drank all night and sat at my computer reading through the old Facebook posts from before and after. The alcohol intensified my emotions and reading all those words took me deeper into my own world of sadness. While I was waiting for the exact moment to pass one year on I clearly remembered and visualised myself standing next to Helen in the hospital bed waiting for the inevitable to happen. I just let myself feel what I was feeling because I really had no choice. In some strange way it was comforting to have these thoughts pushed onto me because sometimes I feel I am so busy with my new life that I forget how I got to where I am now.

At nearly midnight my daughter woke up crying uncontrollably. This doesn’t happen very often at all; maybe 3 or 4 times since Helen passed but this time was especially different. Olivia was pleading with me that she wanted mummy and reaching out her hand to an empty space in the bedroom. It floored me and I held her as tight as I possibly could and sobbed with her. All I could think was that not only has an innocent woman lost her life but my innocent children are without their mum forever……

Forever….

Forever is a long time and I can’t do anything at all to change that. Excuse my language but that Fucking cruel isn’t it!!

After I settled her I had time to reflect on what had happened and I actually took some comfort in it which I know must sounds strange. It was just the way she was holding out her hand like she could see something I couldn’t. I don’t really know what to believe when it comes to the things that may or may not happen after death but I am sure if Helen could have been there that night she would have been. I asked my daughter the next morning if she remembered anything from that night and she couldn’t. To this day she has never mentioned it so maybe it was a dream, a nightmare or something I can’t explain.

Bereavement, Grief, Widow, Widower, Bereavement Counselling, Child bereavement, Carer, Terminal Illness, Death, Loss, Grieving

 

One thing to note though is when I read through Helen’s old Facebook posts it really did show a true reflection of how amazing and strong she was. How she dealt with all that was happening to her.. Just amazing.

The day after the anniversary I was miraculously back to my usual self. Me and the kids woke up happy and we got on with our lives.

Life is for living and being happy.. That’s all I focus on.. I will die one day so I may as well be happy until then.