Its fast approaching a year since Helen passed away so I am wondering how it’s going to feel.
It’s quite obvious that most people in my shoes or indeed anyone who have lost any type of loved one will dread any first birthdays or the first wedding anniversary alone, Christmas etc.
For me I have felt nothing different while leading up to these events. It’s just another day after all and my loss and grief will still continue on after that day, the day before and the day after so what’s the problem. However I have generally been proven very wrong each time. Not necessarily on my birthday or what should have been Helen’s birthday because they were both so very close to when she passed away so I was in a shock bubble.
Certainly though the first anniversary without Helen was very hard. Leading up to it I didn’t feel any different but when the day actually arrived the emotions came flooding in with immense pressure. Naturally my thoughts were about how happy we were on that day we got married and about how we wanted a family and live our lives together forever. Our wedding day and the reason behind it meant the world to me so to have part of that taken away cuts very deep.
I recently attended an evening wedding reception. Again I didn’t worry at all about it and just went along with a view to have some fun and celebrate the happy time with the bride and groom, family and friends. Again I was very wrong. I found myself almost running out of the door during the first dance. The surge of emotions that came over me actually took me by surprise. I didn’t feel any jealously at all; it was just happiness for them but pure sadness for me. My thoughts immediately turned to my first dance with Helen and again how happy we were. During this first dance I looked around the room and saw couples everywhere hold each other tightly… it’s one of those moments when you hold your loved one close and there I was all alone with excruciating thoughts flowing through my head. Somehow I managed to get over it and stayed a whole longer but it really did knock me for six.
So with this in mind I am expecting it to be a very difficult day. Maybe even a difficult few days as my thoughts will move towards what actually happened leading up to that day and the days itself. I can still clearly recite pretty much every single thing that happened from that morning at home on Wednesday to the Friday morning when Helen lost her battle.
It is said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. There is however, something missing from this statement…. It won’t kill you but it will still frigging hurt like hell.