Facing a new year as a Widower.
It would be so easy for me to say how glad I will be to see the back of 2013 since it brought immense sadness to my life. But actually as ever I look at the positives rather than the negatives..
Of course it will go down as the worst year of my life so far… Caring for my wife and watching her get weaker and weaker by the day and then watching her last breaths. A truly awful time that I will never ever forget.
However, in 2013 I was able to express to Helen how much I loved her and we were able to spend some very special moments together. This again is something I will never forget. The simple fact that Helen knew she couldn’t have been loved any more by anyone else when she died made our parting that much easier to bare.
In 2013 Helen was relieved of all her pain and suffering. A human can only take so much and if it wasn’t going to get easier then the end result for her was sadly the best.
In 2013 I surprised myself in how I have dealt with the loss and how strong I have actually been. I learnt how strong I can be through the years of helping us all get through the cancer journey but this was an even greater test. Even knowing that 2013 would be Helen’s last didn’t even come close to preparing me for it yet I think I am doing pretty well.
In 2013 I have watched in awe as my children continue to grow into very happy, fun and caring kids all while dealing with the loss of their mummy. When I told them Mummy was dead they never understood the magnitude of what that actually means. Neither did I actually and they probably still don’t. No child should have to face what they have had to deal with at such an early age yet although we have had some tough times they are coping amazingly well.
In 2013 I turned my sadness/story/positivity into a Blog and wrote 39 Blog Posts that reached 155 countries across the globe. It’s constantly helping many people as others sadly face similar circumstances.
In 2013 I have met some amazing and inspiring people in the same boat as me who have all helped me through this difficult time more so than anything else.
In 2013 I pushed myself and achieved one of my dreams which was to be on stage in a musical. It wasn’t the west end or anything; rather with a local amateur group and I sang and acted in front of people which was always a huge fear of mine. But I still just done it because I could.
So although 2013 has been awful in many ways there is lots to be thankful for and lots to take away from it. I wish Helen was here with me and the kids but the simple and sad fact is that she isn’t and I can’t do anything about that. I will just continue to be thankful for the time I had with Helen and for all she has given me.
I personal feel like a different person to the one I was this time last year. I feel somehow empowered to do the things I really want to do and live the way I want to. I am less driven by money and procession but rather about the gratitude of what I have in life.. I have air in my lungs, my health and 2 amazing healthy kids so for me that is the main things in my life. I now know more than most that nothing lasts forever so I want to enjoy what I have when I have it rather than waiting for the right moments.
2014 will be more about helping the kids get through and me building my new life following the path I have been given. One day I will die so I may as well make the most of what I have.
Oh and I probably need to shed a few pounds too 🙂
Happy new year to you all x